“If only….” – A Christmas memory

Tonight, something triggered a Christmas memory that makes me feel ashamed after 51 years. Oh, I can, and do, forgive myself. My experience tells me that a 4th grader doesn’t understand the feelings of others, nor is he concerned if he is guilty of crushing the spirit of someone who has disappointed him. A surprise to me is that I immediately remembered the boy’s name and can picture him in my mind even after all these years.

It was the last day before Christmas vacation and we had drawn names for a gift exchange in class at Cumberland Heights Elementary at the base of East River Mountain in Bluefield, West Virginia. My parents were not well off financially, but I had brought a nice present to be given to a classmate. I don’t remember what it was, but I will always remember the gift that was given to me by Denny Bowman. I now realize that he was giving all his family could afford to give. They were poor. We all saw that, even as 10 year olds. I guess it was his clothes, his shoes, and other things about him that clued us in. We just knew he was poor, but it was unspoken.

When I opened my gift along with the others, it was a monogrammed handkerchief, but it didn’t even have a “J” on it. It had a “B”. I was crushed, not because of the monogram, but because “it was a handkerchief.” In my disappointment, I became angry and I cried. Our teacher did her best to step in to minimize my disappointment, as well as, to ease his pain. I don’t even remember how the incident ended. We just went home after school to begin our Christmas holidays.

It’s amazing how our feelings can return after half a century! However, now I am not angry, but ashamed. If I were only able to go back and relive that day with the insight of a lifetime of experience, but sadly, that can not be.

I haven’t thought of that day in all these years, but I truly hope the memory of that day has disappeared from Denny’s mind forever.